Found

There is a book which my dad and I have Arguments over. (This isn't too surprising, since my dad and I have arguments over a lot of things. Arguing with each other is one of our Favourite Pastimes. This particular arument, however, is a Recurring Argument.) The Argument is entirely my fault, but don't tell my dad I said that.

Here's the thing: my dad owns a book entitled The Complete Evaporated History of the World Since the Dawn of Time. It was published in 1984, and I adore it. I use it for reference, you see, because unlike every other book of history I have ever read, I have Excellent Recall of Everything in This Book. I can quote it verbatim. It helps me keep history in order inside my head.

My dad rarely looks at said book, and so a couple of years ago the Natural Order of Things caused the book to become appropriated to my own collection. It has lived on my bookshelf ever since.

My dad doesn't like this, since the book is His and he suspects that I intend to take it with me when I move out (he's not wrong there). This is how the Arguments came about.

BUT NOW! Praise be, I have discovered the wonder of online shopping. In particular, YOU CAN BUY OUT OF PRINT BOOKS ONLINE! I've ordered myself a copy of The Book for the Princely Sum of $12. So now, all that's left is for me to share some quotes with you, my dear readers, so you too can agonise over the fact that you do not own this gem:


"We know all about the Egyptians because they wrote their history on the wall in a secret language. Unforunately, they then forgot the language, so it was all a bit of a waste."

"Julius Ceasar invented a new sort of calendar, which was exatly the same length as a year. This may not sound very clever, by there has to be a first time for everything."

"A small problem arose over a loosely-worded commandment which said THOU SHALT NOT KILL."

"The Inquisition came down heavily against materialism. ... Thus proper civilisation came to America, while crass materialism was shipped back to Spain."

"When the French heard about the American revolution, they said 'Ah-ha' in French, and decided that they would like to revolve too."



P.S. Please disregard the Inappropriate Capital Letters in this post. I'm just in That Sort of Mood.